Weddings can be a lot.
It's no secret that wedding planning is a big undertaking. But one thing we often overlook is the fact that weddings themselves can be, quite frankly, exhausting.
This can be especially true if you're on the neurodivergent spectrum. Weddings are fun and exciting celebrations, but they can also be stimulating and require a lot of emotional energy. If you're prone to overwhelm and/or burnout, it's important to be mindful of curating a wedding day that will keep you feeling at ease. As a wedding professional and spicy-brained individual myself, here are a few things you can consider when planning to make your wedding day a little more neurodivergent friendly.
Avoid traditions that feel performative
If you're like me (and just about everyone else), your initial instinct when you don't know how to do something is to, well, Google it. And while there are plenty of great resources online for wedding planning, many of the timelines you'll come across look pretty much the same. The reason these seemingly cookie cutter templates exist is because they focus on traditions that typically shape a wedding day. These traditions act almost like stepping stones throughout a wedding day, which can be nice, but may leave you wondering, "....but why are we doing this though?". Don’t feel like you need to prioritize traditions simply because "everyone does them". There is no such thing as the "right" way to have a wedding. Take the time to ask yourselves, "Is this something we want to take the time to do? Is this something we care about? Is even thinking about doing this making me uncomfortable?" If you're not feeling it, remove them from your to-do list.
That said, if some traditions appeal to you or align with religious/personal values but you're still feeling iffy, don't be afraid of alternative ways to celebrate them. For example, if you love the idea of sharing a first dance with your partner but don't like the idea of everyone watching, consider doing a private first dance during sunset portraits, or a last dance to close out the festivities just you and your partner. Another common source of anxiety can be personal vows in front of crowd; maybe doing private vows before or after your ceremony as a special moment with your partner is more your jam. Use the traditions as a guideline, but don't feel locked into them just because "that's how it's done."
Don’t be afraid to keep things short
Most photographers will say that the "average" amount of coverage to capture a wedding day is eight hours. And while eight hours might not sound too terrible, keep in mind that means you, as the person getting married, could realistically spend 17 hours awake and busy on your wedding day! If the thought of being that up and about in one day already makes you feel tired, consider keeping things short and sweet. This can be as simple as focusing on a shorter ceremony, skipping things like cocktail hour or keeping dancing short, or, again, cutting traditions that make you go "meh." You can even consider providing a list of after-event activities/favorite spots near your wedding venue for folks who might want to keep the party going, or simply leaving the reception early but allowing the party to go on.
Leave time to just exist
Cutting out traditions and shortening up events can leave more space during your wedding day, but instead of feeling the urge to fill all those empty spots in your timeline with something else, consider just leaving space. A few ways you could choose to utilize free time without "doing" something include:
- Focus on basic needs, such as hydrating, eating, and using the bathroom. People tend to forget they need to do those things throughout their wedding day, which can greatly affect how you’re feeling mentally and physically!
- Take a moment for some quiet alone time. That look like anything. Deliberate time to center yourself through some meditation. Reflect on your relationship and all the good things that have gotten you to this point. Do some breathing exercises, guided or otherwise. Or heck, even just scroll on your phone! Anything that makes you feel a little more relaxed.
- Spend time with your (soon-to-be) spouse. You're marrying someone who brings you comfort, so don't forget to spend time with them. Alone time with your partner on your wedding day is usually limited to doing things--first looks, private vows, portraits. And while those are all valid ways to spend time on your wedding day, taking time alone without any agenda is equally valid and meaningful.
Create spaces for peace and quiet
A slow moment is made better when it's a peaceful one. And one way to ensure a little peace is by creating little pockets of quiet and calm on your wedding day. Outside having a private space for the couple to relax, there are a lot of ways you can prioritize peace and quiet, such as:
- If you’re working with a DJ, request that more relaxing music be played at a quieter level during cocktail hour and dinner. Also, if visual stimulation can be overwhelming, be sure to also ask if they have any special lighting--a lot of DJs enjoy using them during special moments and to get people out on the dancefloor but are happy to leave them off at your request.
- An alternative to a DJ that's popular with guests are Silent Discos, which provides opportunity for people to control their own environment/experience better while still having lots of fun!
- Provide earplugs for guests at the reception and have outdoor or separate space away from loud music/conversation. Designated quiet areas will provide a place for people to feel like they're allowed to enjoy a more relaxed environment without fighting any party vibe.
- Consider basing your reception off of fun activities instead of just dancing/partying. Boardgames, puzzles, caricature artists, tarot card reading, flower crown making, arts-and-crafts–focus on whatever your heart desires and makes you happy.
Get to know your vendors on a personal level
Not all of your vendors will tag along for the majority of your wedding day, but folks like photographers, videographers, and wedding planners are essentially your shadow. It's important to take the time to get to know the vendors you'll be spending more time with personally to help ensure that they’re advocating for your needs. Meeting new people can often be a stressor, so it might feel counter intuitive if you don't like new social situations, but in the long run having those relationships can be incredibly helpful.
For example, as a photographer, if I’m not aware someone gets overstimulated in crowded environments or when they’re the center of attention, it’s hard for me to know how to support them when they start to experience anxiety in the moment. To be more mindful of situations like this, I tend to do all timeline planning in person or over a video call to give folks the opportunity to think about and express their needs in advance. Not only does it give couples an opportunity to get to know me better--which provides more space for vulnerability to express personal needs--but it gives me opportunities to help problem solve using my experience, potentially providing new options the they hadn't otherwise considered or felt were possible. It also allows me to be a better advocate on their wedding day when emotions might be heightened and decision making can feel harder.
And on that note: I like to schedule “couples photos” throughout the day that are actually just opportunities for them to get away for a while. Some of the time I don't even take photos during these windows, I'm just simply a buffer to give people a breather! Just a little example that you can steal for your own wedding day.
Include things that bring you comfort
Weddings are so beautiful, but sometimes they can be a little...stuffy. Creating an environment that prioritizes comfort over formality can help build in some comfort throughout your day. A few ways you can build comfort into your wedding day:
- Bring comfort items to enjoy throughout the day. Wear your daily robe while getting ready. Bring clothing/shoes to change into at the reception*. Decorate your reception with photos of pets or loved ones. Even a favorite blanket to snuggle under for couple portraits is totally doable.
- Scent is a really powerful tool for relaxation–pick a candle that you love and start using it at home before the wedding. Bring it with you on the wedding day and light it when you need a calming moment.
- Play music at your reception that you love, even if it's not "party" music.
- For folks opting for bouquets, add your favorite little fidget toy to them for seamless stimming.
*Speaking of clothes and comfort, don't force yourself to wear something that makes you feel trapped. (That can be true of hair and makeup too!) Wanting to look nice on your wedding day is totally reasonable, but don't force yourself to do something that makes you physically uncomfortable.
Do what feels best to you
While I may be in the wedding industry and have my own flavor of neuro-spice, I am not able to speak for all weddings and all neurodivergent people! Some of the things I have suggested may feel aligned with your needs, but take the time to really ask yourself what makes you feel most comfortable and happy. At the end of the day, no matter how many family and friends you want to please, everyone is there to support and celebrate you. So don't be afraid to make decisions that put you first!
Interested in seeing how your wedding could look with our powers combined?
